I realized I’m Queer— now what?

First thing’s first: welcome! We are so glad to have you in this beautiful, complex, and diverse queer community.

Know that however you are feeling right now is absolutely valid and worthy.

Okay, now that we have the welcome sorted, let’s check in. Recognizing a new facet of our identities, whether at 15 or 75 is a huge deal! It means we have had the bravery to get to know a part of ourselves in a world that discourages it. What a miracle.

For some of you, recognizing your queer identity hit like lightning bolt one day. For others, it has been a slow simmering pot in the corner of your heart and brain. For many, it is a different experience entirely. Know that whatever it has been for you is just right.

So, what now? Do you tell everyone you know? Do they find out in due time? Do you race to the nearest app or queer gathering place to meet new cuties? Do you pick up an move to (showbiz voice) “the big city?” Internal ah-ha’s often want an equally big external action to make sense of it. And what to do with this weird joy-grief-fear-hope-panic cocktail?

Though, perhaps we don’t all get served that specific emotion. As an intimacy coach + certified sexuality educator who has had the gift of journeying alongside many adults exploring their identity (and as a queer gal myself), here is what I have to offer you:

Challenge Urgency. Center Curiosity. Build Community.

Challenge Urgency

For many, examining our sexual identities can feel like we’ve overslept our alarms. We hop up in a panic and feel the need to catch up. The thing is, this is no race (You are already the winner, anyway, in the journey to learning about your specific self). We are always learning new aspects of ourselves and those aspects are constantly changing. You do not have to come out today— or ever— if that doesn’t feel like the vibe! If you’re married, that doesn’t mean you have to get a divorce today, tell your partner today, or make any big moves right this instant. If you are worried that your family of origin will not respond well to this news, remember: your safety comes first. There is nothing wrong with choosing carefully who gets the gift of knowing this new aspect of you.

We forget, often, that our sexuality belongs to us alone, even when we are partnered. that doesn’t mean that others aren’t impacted by our sexual or gender discoveries. It simply means that we get to go at our pace, with our nervous system, and within our capacity on this journey.

Center Curiosity

You may have realized you’re not straight and then immediately thought, “well, then what am I?”

You may have proceeded to take several internet quizzes to learn exactly what kind of queer identity feels right to you. Totally normal! We want to understand our vast selves and labels give us something to anchor to. The gift and challenge is, the language we use to describe gender and sexuality is constantly changing. If no sexual or gender label feels quite right, that’s because words fail! You are not the problem. The words are.

Remember: the labels we use are only useful if they help build community and give us a new way to understand ourselves. The queer labels we use are never meant to be a box we contort ourselves to fit within.

If you feel yourself approaching your self-study like you’re a problem or puzzle to solve, take a break for a bit. We are in the business of stretching, not straining, on the journey.

Build Community

Who are the people you feel most safe and seen with? Supportive and affirming community is crucial always, but especially during times of change. Do you have friends, family, or coworkers who you trust enough to lean on during this time? Is there an active queer community in your area you can plug into?

When we don’t have queer community in our physical proximity (or even when we do!), connecting with virtual queer spaces is hugely supportive. Reddit subgroups, Facebook groups, Discord communities, and so many more platforms all have communities dedicated to queer community based on interests, hobbies, and identity.

If you are looking for a specialist who can support you and offer guidance, insight, and collaboration as you decide what this new chapter of life looks like, a therapist or even sexuality coach can be an excellent resource.

We all deserve a dedicated space to explore what becoming more authentically us looks like out loud. You don’t have to do it alone!